I am in a reminiscing mood a few nights ago coupled with too much tea that I couldn’t sleep so I decided to walk down memory lane and read some of my past journal entries. Yup, I do keep a journal and rereading journal entries has been quite helpful in healing past hurts and failures and I happen to chance upon a particular entry that never fails to make me misty-eyed. (This is just a lousy excuse for not being able to make an article for today’s blog! Hehehehe)
Pardon my “mushiness” today and the effect it has on today’s blog. Allow me to share “mushy” side of me. . .
It has been weeks but I still wake up at five in the morning, despite a long day at work the previous day or some gimmick until the wee hours of the morning. But unlike before, there was no phone call to wake me up and your voice on the other line that instinctively puts a smile on my face the moment I hear you speak. Now, I wake up on my own and drag myself to take that early morning walk to ease away the morning blues. No need for your constant prodding for me to start walking and get some exercise. I do that on my own now, much to my surprise.
I still remember our first morning walk together. It was a Friday morning, both of us haven't even slept a wink, decided to take a walk together. I can still feel the warmth of your hand against mine as we take steps together waiting for the sun to rise with our song playing on the diskman, unmindful of the other joggers' stares who happen to know me by face. After a few rounds of brisk walking, you decided to run and I being unhealthy at that time decided to just sit there on the pavement and watch you.
I wish you knew what thoughts were running in my head while I watch you run. For once in my life, despite my failed relationships, I could see myself finally settling down with this man running in front of me. In my head, I had a clear picture of you and me, taking walks together. . . until we grow old.
Perhaps I dreamt too much, being the usual dreamer that I am. But hey, who wouldn't be? Your words always seemed so sure, so hopeful and enthusiastic of our life together. The certain way you look at me, that stare so steady yet so calm, seemed to say that you care and always will. The warmth of your hand when you hold me told me you will always be here for me. Then again maybe I was wrong . . . but I don't want to be wrong. I will always have good memories of you despite those few times we have spent together and I want it that way. Call me foolish but aren't we all are when we are in love? So consider me more foolish than the average person in love. Despite this seemingly self-assured and confident career façade, deep inside as Julia Roberts would put it, "I am just a girl, standing in front of a guy, asking him to love her." And I guess what hurts the most is that I am crying inside. I cannot, for love of my family and friends, cry and hurt openly. I know they will be hurt more than I am. So here I am, in front of this computer, alone in the confines of my office typing away all my emotions, hoping that after this, I'd feel much better. I know I have my faults. I am not denying that, specially with the sudden bursts of this erratic female hormones. But I just cannot take away everything I said. What's done is done. And all I have left are memories of what could have beens and what ifs.
Tomorrow is yet another day. And as usual, I'd be waking up at five in the morning, hoping to wake up with the ringing of my cellular phone. Then I'd be taking that morning walk again, alone. Deep inside, I know that someday, I will not be taking this walk alone. Maybe with someone else . . .or maybe with you again. But I guess I'm just left to hope and dream that indeed someday, I will walk hand in hand with somebody. . . and take that long walk to forever.
May 21, 2001 6:50 PM